I had massive goose pimple outbreak after watching the last 2 episodes for Neon Genesis Evangelion.
During the last scene, when everyone congratulates Shinji, I was like… SHIT! so the world really “ended” and everyone merged into one. My take is, everyone is “helping” Shinji out of the “darkness” in his heart, like how they explained it in the earlier episodes. The darkness in everyone’s heart will never cease to exist if there are still humans around. So, I guessed everyone did die in the end, (for the TV Series) but they got their freedom and release from their darkness.
The very last part felt like a group counseling session where ex-patients participate. When everyone goes “Omedetou Shinji(kun)!”, and especially when congratulated by Gendou (his father)… i had another goose pimple outbreak!
the whole feeling was very surrealistic; and the alternate universe of shinji, asuka, rei and shinji’s classmate attending high school like normal kids was just plain depressing. Note that Gendou did not participate much in this “life”.
After watching one of the greatest series of anime history, I had many new ideas and thoughts. I also realized that I do not like myself all the time. There are moments in life that I hate myself but there are also times when I realize the need to love myself.
I also believe that there is a “me-existence” in everyone I’ve came across in my life. There is a “me” in myself - the way I perceive myself is the other me. The way my mom perceive me (I must be an angel to her since the day I was born, hehe~) is another me; but it’s in my mom. The way Eric perceive me is the me in Eric and I have another me in my Daddy, my younger sisters, and other family members.
It’s a little sad but the me-s in my “friends” are ephemeral in nature. My existence doesn’t seem to last long in the nice people that I have came across in my life. That might explain the hedgehog nature when it comes to friendships that I’ve made. My existence in friends seemed, also, to be in parallel to the “vanishing twin” syndrome; it was there but before you know of its existence, it gets flushed out. That’s when I start hating myself. A diminishing existence …
Another thing that made me feel really bad after watching was how confuse can one get when it comes to another party’s feelings for myself. Take Shinji for example, ignoring the fact that he disliked himself, he feels that everyone disliked him, but whenever he gets on EVA01, he gets praised; and that’s why he feels that he has the need to be the pilot. So, do they dislike him or do they like him? Do they only like him when he’s a pilot or do they like him no matter what he does? (i.e. liking him for him only)
Sometimes, I have mixed feelings about people too. I get mixed signals from other people about myself. Being a rather sensitive person, I get very irritated by the mixed signals. I get so irritated that I ask myself questions like, “If I didn’t manage to get into university, will they still love me?”; “If people can read my thoughts, will they still love me?”; and the final statement will always be, “Maybe they don’t love me at all…”; and I’ll go on thinking, “it’s alright… I love myself. It’s alright to be alone. I can do many things alone. I can write all my ideas down without getting disturbed. I can imagine for all I want and do whatever I want without considering anyone else’s feelings. I’ve been alone for most of my life, anyway.”
If I happen to meet a Doppelgänger (of myself) one day, I’ll ask which one are you? and I hope that I’ll never have to meet the “me” in myself - I don’t really like “her”.
Orangeline
